Rachel A.
Samia Shahnawaz
I was first diagnosed with mental health issues at the early age of eight. My conditions were anorexia and ADHD and I spent a lot of time seeing a psychologist and having family therapy.
I am not 100% sure why the Child and Adolescent services decided that family therapy would benefit me at that time. My relationship with my mum as a child was always difficult especially after my beloved father died when I was just three years old. I was quite clingy with her and had many attachment issues in my childhood. The only people I would stay happily with were my grandparents, who would tell me wonderful stories about my father. In family therapy, I was encouraged to talk about my feelings of insecurity, self esteem, frustration, sadness, anger, and loss of my dad.
I found this very hard because I was scared that I would upset my mum; I was such a perfectionist from such a young age and I always wanted to be the best I could, but after 4 months they decided we were making no progress as a family so I was given 3 hours therapy a week on my own. This included drawing my feelings, role play, poetry, creative writing and arts and crafts.
Therapy at such a young age was hard, I had to miss 3 hours a week of school to attend therapy, which meant I missed out on lots of fun activities at school, such as school trips. I struggled to make friends and I became anxious and hated going school. When I struggled to talk she would get me drawing, and doing arts and crafts to explain how I was feeling. I remained in Child and Adolescent Mental Health services for many years before I was transferred over to Adult Mental Health Services.
“I think if it hadn’t had such an understanding doctor that day I would have never gotten the counseling I so desperately needed.”
I was 17, my mother passed away and I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and OCD. This was a heartbreaking time for me because my mum and I had just gotten to a point in our relationship where things were feeling like they were going to get better. I was truly devastated when she passed. A few weeks after my mum's death, I went to see my doctor and as soon as I walked into the doctor's room I felt so overwhelmed by her presence that I broke down to her finally. It was like everything I had been so scared to release came out that day in that doctors room. I told her how depressed I was feeling, how I couldn't sleep, How I was struggling to eat and hated myself, how I wish it had been me who had died and not my mum. I will always remember her just holding my hand looking into my eyes, it was just like she could feel my pain. She gave me leaflets on depression and referred me to a Christian counseling service for bereavement counseling. I went back to see my doctor every week after that and was put on antidepressants for the first time. I think if it hadn't had such an understanding doctor that day I would have never gotten the counseling I so desperately needed. Counseling helped me manage the anger I felt towards my mum for dying and leaving me behind and in time I started to realize that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and I started to accept that she was gone.
“Managing the depression was hard. What would be a simple task for so many seemed like a mission to me. ”
When I was first diagnosed with OCD and Depression, I found it very challenging. It started off with just constantly washing my hands, combing my hair many times over, and wanting things in order. If I didn't complete these rituals to my standards I would panic and think bad things were going to happen to my brother. As for my depression, I would just lay in my room for hours on end crying. I wouldn't want to go out, or talk to my Foster Carers. I pretty much lost interest in everything I once enjoyed. Managing the depression was hard. What would be a simple task for so many seemed like a mission to me. As for my OCD this is still a massive issue of mine today, I really try not to let the illness control me but sometimes when I am a little stressed, physically unwell or just feeling anxious the OCD will still get the better of me. At the time that I was diagnosed with Depression and OCD I was still under Child and Adolescent services, so continued to work with my child psychiatrist on these issues.
I think getting the right combination with medication and therapy has helped get me to where I am today. For many years it was trial and error with medication and therapy. I worked very hard with my psychiatrist and attended three hours a week of intensive therapy/DBT. With playing around with my medication as well we finally found a medication that stabilized my mood, some medications I have had in the past have had reverse effects such as more mood swings and suicidal tendencies. To finally get the balance between my medication and therapy is the best feeling ever, I finally feel like I am getting my life back, it has not been without a lot of hard work/determination and setbacks though.
My advice for anyone going through what I went through with my mental health is to reach out for help, don't be ashamed to admit that you are feeling really low. Doctors and professionals are there to help you. I was always worried that I was going to be judged but reaching out for help from my general practitioner got me the support and help that I needed. I have now been discharged from mental health services and have a full time job with a charity organization that provides care to people with learning disabilities, mental health issues, dementia, brain injuries, and drug & alcohol addiction. It feels good to give back to what has helped me. I still battle with negative thoughts to this day but I deal with them differently now. I draw my feelings and thoughts instead of going into self destruct mode, I talk to my husband, my best friend and so forth. It is important not to bottle all your feelings and emotions up and find someone you trust to talk to. I have learned the hard way that you can take all the medication under the sun but it takes a lot of hard work and determination, you may fall along the way but it is about getting up, brushing yourself off and carrying on. You are a strong individual and you just need to have a little faith in yourself, I am living proof that you can turn your life around. Just two years ago I was spiraling out of control. I found myself in a dark place of alcohol, drugs, self harm, suicide attempts and much more, but now I have an amazing job as a carer and I volunteer for a mental health organization, and do presentations on mental health. My marriage was on the rocks and I had no friends a few years ago, but now I have a great circle of friends, a happy marriage, and my husband and I currently trying for our first child. I was at rock bottom, but I have worked hard through being honest with my team and through that I have a good life now and future ahead of me. If I can do it so can you, so please, please talk to someone if you are feeling low and start your journey of recovery. You can do it. As my psychiatric nurse used to say to me it isn't impossible if you look again it says “I'm possible”.