Kate H.

*Trigger warning: Sexual assault*

I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and have had eating disorders as well. As a child I was sexually assaulted and bullied consistently through public school. I felt so trapped and alone, as if I was never enough. I wasn’t diagnosed with anything until the age of 16. My family had no idea that any of this was going on and my parents were divorced, so it was difficult for them to collectively see any changes in me. Eventually I asked my mom to take me to see a doctor because I was hitting my breaking point. I still never told her anything was going on. 

“ I still have days where I hate myself or feel like I should give up but my daughter, family, and friends all give me a reason to hold on and not let my illnesses control my life. ”

I was put on prozac and lorazepam and wound up in the hospital due to overdose. I shut everyone out and felt like my illness made me into a monster. People tried helping and left eventually because they  didn't know what more to do. I self harmed and had bulimia as well as anorexia since the age of twelve. I felt so indescribably alone and I just wanted it to end. After the hospital admissions my parents learned that there was much more going on with me than I was letting on. They didn't understand though, and felt as if I was seeking attention. I felt like a lost cause. No one understood and things just kept getting worse.

Then at the age of 18, turning 19, I discovered that I was pregnant and my entire life changed. I stopped hurting myself and I stopped shutting out those who cared because my unborn daughter deserved better than that. I still have days where I hate myself or feel like I should give up but my daughter, family, and friends all give me a reason to hold on and not let my illnesses control my life. At first I considered giving my baby to someone who couldn't have kids because I felt like I should not bring a baby into a life where she won't be properly taken care of. I felt that I would be an unfit parent but all of that changed after my first ultrasound. I heard the sound of her heart beat and I was captivated. I told myself that I could change my life, not for me but for her. I honestly think I would have killed myself had I gone through with  the adoption. My daughter saved my life. She has taught me how to love myself, and that self care is important. If I didn't take care of myself then she would be struggling as well. She is my everything and gives my life meaning. I still have days of struggle, days where I feel like giving up, but I just look at her and I know that I am needed here and I am a good mother. I doubt myself often but I know deep down that I am taking care of her and I love her more than words can describe.

My advice to others is this: you can get through this. Anyone who is struggling with anything mental illness related needs to know that they are not their illness. It doesn't define them. They are never alone and everyone is entitled to their own emotions. We can all stand as one and fight mental illness together.