Lucy R.
Samia Shahnawaz
My experience with Anxiety and Depression started around 7 years ago when I was 14. At the time I was living with an alcoholic mother in an unstable home. There were a lot of fights between my mother and my step dad. I later found out that he had been cheating on my mum and soon moved out. I remember feeling lost, hurt, abandoned, confused and very lonely.
The first time I had a panic attack, I was shopping with my nana and cousins. We were walking out of a shop when someone’s tag had set off the alarm near the exit. It felt as if my heart had gone into complete shock. My whole body went numb, I couldn’t breathe and I felt as it I wasn’t quite there. At time I didn't know that this was called dissociation. I honestly thought that I was dying of a heart attack or something of the sort. The panic attacks became more frequent- on buses, at school, in town, when I was out with friends, and so forth. It got to a point where I stopped going to school because I was petrified about having a panic attack in front of everyone. My nana made an appointment with a doctor, who was able to diagnose me with Anxiety and Panic Attacks. At that time I wasn’t aware what Anxiety or Panic Attacks were. He prescribed me some beta blockers to help with the irregular heartbeats and referred me to a counseling service, which I refused to go to. After I returned to school, I sunk into a deeper depression than I had ever felt.
I was starting to hear voices and see things and I was so scared about telling anyone because I was afraid of something bad happening. One night after school, I broke down to an ex best friend about everything and she encouraged me to tell someone at school. The day I got back to school, I noticed she wasn’t around and when I asked another friend if they knew anything, they told me that she had said has been experiencing the same things. That stopped me from wanting to tell anyone because I had the “Who’s going to believe me now?” doubt. However, I did end up confiding in a support teacher at school about feeling suicidal. The school phoned my mum and my nana up straight away and got in touch with my doctor who referred me to CAMHS very quickly. The clinical psychologist at CAMHS was amazing and helped me with coping strategies in order understand and manage my anxiety a bit more. Unfortunately, our sessions were cut short because she left her job and I continued to struggle with depression.
In 2011, I was cyber bullied by an ex friend and the depression I had started to worsen, especially since the ex friend and I were both in the same college. I started going out at night, drinking with friends. Around this time my mum left home and I did not know if she would ever come back home. In September of that year, I moved in with my nana. I was finding it extremely hard to cope with all of the pain, neglect and depression the only things that I “thought” were helping, was going out at night drinking and taking drugs. I continued to live two lives for about a year until someone at college started to notice a change in my behavior. At first I shrugged it off but the second time she asked me if had been drinking, I was worried about anyone else finding out. I left college and still continued to self destruct. I slept through the day and went out at night on a repetitive loop for another year.
“I was finding it extremely hard to cope with all of the pain, neglect and depression the only things that I “thought” were helping, was going out at night drinking and taking drugs. I continued to live two lives for about a year until someone at college started to notice a change in my behavior. ”
In January 2013, my best friend passed away after battling Leukemia. After he died, I felt ashamed of how I had been taking everything for granted. I told my friends and family how much I appreciated them and spent a lot more time doing productive things. I finally asked for some help and I started to see a therapist, who is an absolutely incredible woman, I gradually opened up about everything and that’s when she advised me to speak to my general practitioner right away. After that I was referred to the local crisis team and then referred to a local mental health clinic and have been under their care ever since. I have finally found the right psychologist to work with. After a setback this past year, I have finally opened up about everything to her and have got an assessment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks with her support. If it wasn’t for her patience and support, I don’t think I would have ever stuck it out. I definitely wouldn’t have kept it together as well as I have if I didn’t have my nana for all these years. She is honestly my rock and I love her.
“If it wasn’t for her patience and support, I don’t think I would have ever stuck it out. I definitely wouldn’t have kept it together as well as I have if I didn’t have my nana for all these years.”
Things that help me cope are writing or watching Netflix and spending time with family. Listening to music is a big help and also making videos. Over the past year I have also made an Instagram, which I try to fill with quotes and positivity. I want to help spread the word about how important our mental health is to other people. It’s great to see a lot of messages from people saying how they love the page and I love how people are interacting with others about mental health through social media.
“ I want to help spread the word about how important our mental health is to other people.”
My advice is to others is just keep going. Keep being strong. Don't be to hard on yourself. Don't be in a rush to get better! Recovery is not a race. Whether it takes 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years, it does not matter! You will get there. You are strong. You are brave. You can do this!