Anonymous

Depression began pretty early in my life, but nobody around me was aware of how I was feeling and I found it hard to express my thoughts and feelings. The symptoms of depression would come and go with time, intertwining with events that occurred in my life. Anxiety also became a huge part of my life due to suppressed anger and difficulty expressing myself. It all started at school where I didn't seek interest in any subject or activity on top of the difficulty I had making friends, which depleted my social skills with time.

“I was twenty-three years old when I got a divorce in a country where women’s rights is not as progressive as the Western countries and divorce is frowned upon. ”

I got married at the young age of twenty, thinking that this is what my purpose is and that I would be happy once I fall in love. I only found myself being in an emotionally abusive relationship with codependency and so much shame. I was twenty-three years old when I got a divorce in a country where women's rights is not as progressive as the Western countries and divorce is frowned upon. I returned to my parents home during the divorce process and had one semester left to graduate from my bachelors degree. Thankfully, I am blessed with a family that has been extremely supportive of me. Every time I would find myself getting into the funk of depression they would try to distract me out of it. My cousin's and some friends were very supportive, however, there were a lot of people that I expected to be there for me that were not, which could add fuel to the fire. I wasn't able to get proper closure when it came to some events and people of my life and I was in shock for a pretty long time.

“ I used to label myself as a f—- up, a screw up and it only justified the deep feelings of not belonging or being unworthy. I did not want to be labeled at a young age as a divorcée”

Facing my society, family, and social circles was difficult for me because everyone was intermingled and being a divorcée felt like it defined me, like I'm less than others in a way. I used to label myself as a f--- up, a screw up and it only justified the deep feelings of not belonging or being unworthy. I did not want to be labeled at a young age as a divorcée, and I'm super grateful my parents never made me feel that way but then again I had always had to be extra careful about my actions/behavior because society talks and I didn't want to feel like I was a victim.

During that year of divorce things were pretty shaky in my life. My grandmother was sick with cancer, my grandfather passed away, I was dealing with my divorce, my parents, my studies to be able to graduate and the shame and guilt I had felt deeply towards society's gossip towards me and the ridiculous stories I've heard.

When I finally graduated my grandmother passed away. She played a huge role of being a prominent caretaker in my life. About two months later I had moved to New York City to get an MFA from an art school. New York was the space I needed. It's a tough city to live in and the pace is unbelievably overwhelming but it is a great place to grow, learn and have fun because of all the amazing things that are constantly happening.

NYC had access to almost everything anyone could ever think of, I was very grateful to be able to nurture my creative side in healthy outlets of art, design, and so many great cultural references and books I was able to get a hold of. I felt a calling to my education, and my MFA felt like it was the road I had to take towards that fulfillment.

“ I showed up and I put myself out there in a creative way to overcome some fears and to add some moments of joy and simple achievements to my moments of gratitude.”

NY was also bitter at times. There were times where I had felt so isolated and alone that I would wake up not knowing what day or year I was in, its almost like being stuck on repeat with a prolonged feeling of sadness, shame, guilt and regret. I would stay in bed for hours, I would feel unbelievably thirsty and would find it hard to reach out for the water bottle next to my bed. One of the things that used to really get to me was long NY winters of not enough sunlight and sudden drop in temperature. I also felt lonely a lot of the times because I  went from being able to access family and friends readily to being on my own and handling myself. It got a lot worse prior to going back to Saudi as I couldn't find a job after leaving my internship and I didn't know what I wanted to do next with my life! I was left with no sense of direction or guidance.  At that point I've decided in taking more classes but then I was done studying and was just looking for work experience and ways to nurture my career. In that phase of uncertainty and witnessing so many changes I have decided to go forth and do things I wouldn't imagine myself ever doing in public, I went to improv school for a period of 3 months and also  took singing lessons with an awesome lady in the upper west side called Donna. That has definitely taken the edge of the horrible days of not being able to get out of bed and there was so much effort on my end, it wasn't easy at all but I did it. I showed up and I put myself out there in a creative way to overcome some fears and to add some moments of joy and simple achievements to my moments of gratitude.

It has been a year and  four months ever since I got back and Now going through another existential crisis, one of many I had experienced before, only this time its out of reverse culture shock and re-evaluating my values. The difference now is that I can see the nuances of advancement, its tiny changes and it does count!

What helps me through my depression is giving myself permission to be myself in hard times. I think a big part of it is being around the right people and not really isolating myself. Prayer, meditation and exercising is also a great boost. Reaching out to therapy helps however finding the right therapist makes all the difference and it often takes time. Depression is all about allowing yourself to grow, honoring your pace without being too hard on yourself and honestly counting your blessings. Find a support group near you and if you couldn't there's a lot of online communities. One thing I highly recommend is cut off toxic people in your life and let go of what drains you sucks the energy out of you like gossip. Lastly be mindful of your thoughts and what you say. I promise you there's always something to be grateful for.

“What helps me through my depression is giving myself permission to be myself in hard times. I think a big part of it is being around the right people and not really isolating myself. ”

My advice to others is: Give yourself a break, the small stuff matters, and I hope that you find the kindness within yourself to just keep going. Also it's always easier said than done but the person you can compare yourself with is yourself ONLY, even so honor and celebrate your own pace. There's a saying that I've come across and like to use it as a mantra when the struggle is real " A little bit of darkness is needed to see the stars".

My hobbies include exploring and traveling to new places, immersing myself in other cultures.

“Lastly be mindful of your thoughts and what you say. I promise you there’s always something to be grateful for.”

I would plunge into reading more about psychology, anthropology, mythology, and other reading material. I love collecting children’s books and illustration, writing poetry, spending time outdoors, and volunteering.