Kaylyn D.
Samia Shahnawaz
TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contains information about self harm and/or suicide which may be triggering to survivors.
On March 3rd, 2014, I made a decision that would change my life forever. For seven years I had suffered from severe PTSD, depression and anxiety. One initial trigger was that my dad had just one day got up and left our family without saying a word. Months later he came back but was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His manic episodes could be really bad and he had tried to commit suicide multiple times over the years. I had started taking medications to help alleviate the physical and emotional pain because of my mental illnesses. Although the medication helped, I was no stranger to self harm. At this time I had been bullied mercilessly and felt as though at this point I had nothing to live for and no one would care if I no longer exist.
“...hope lives on no matter what, make the most out of life while you have the time because eventually things have to get better...”
So on this day, that was when I had decided I was going to commit suicide. There was nothing that was going to change my mind. I took over a 100 pills of Prozac that day. The world around me was spinning, I couldn't walk straight, my whole body was shaking. After a couple hours I passed out and ended up waking up several hours later. At this point in time I knew that because I was still here I was here for a reason. I told my parents what I had done and I was rushed to the hospital. I stayed on a psychiatric floor for several days receiving treatment that included medication management, group therapy, individual therapy etc. It was then that I realized even though it may seem as though the world would be better off without me there is always someone who would care. I hurt my friends and my family beyond belief. Later on my best friend had told me just how scary it was for her that I had done this, I didn't think how it would impact her.
“ After a couple hours I passed out and ended up waking up several hours later. At this point in time I knew that because I was still here I was here for a reason. ”
Two years and a half years later and I still suffer from mental illness but I've learned how to manage it more. Sometimes I look back at all the amazing things that have happened such as graduating high school, getting accepted into college, doing psychological research, traveling and meeting my partner, and I realize I would not have experienced any of this if I did not live that day.
If there's one thing that I learned from my suicide attempt, it's that hope lives on no matter what, make the most out of life while you have the time because eventually things have to get better, even if it's just for a moment. Live for those moments. It's worth it.
Something that really helped me cope was actually doing origami, specifically paper cranes, and writing a lot of poetry. Practicing mindfulness and doing breathing exercises really helps with the anxiety and panic attacks as well.