Naver W.
Samia Shahnawaz
My life isn’t perfect, it has never been and it will never be. It goes up and down like waves in an infinite sea. Sometimes I feel content with what I feel, as if I was somewhat meaningful in the society I live in, but most of the time, I feel worthless, as if sinking to the bottom of the earth was the only way to escape the thoughts that haunt me.
I call him “The Thoughts”. He follows my every step, every movement, every breath that I take. He drains my energy even though the only thing I did that day was sleep. He always tries to get the best of me. I’ve been a shy kid growing up and it was fun and games in primary school, but new environment scared me, I began pulling myself away from the crowd when I entered middle school but it was alright, people were mean to me, talking behind my back, calling me names but I paid no attention to them because at the end of the day, I had a group of friends I can finally be myself with. By the end of my ninth grade, I felt as if a lot of things were happening to me that I could not explain. I was just a vulnerable 14-year-old who knew nothing about the world. All of the sudden things little things began to bother me. It bothered me that when I would do a presentation, the girls in my class giggled while glancing at me from the corner of the room. It bothered me that everyone always skipped the seat next to me when they sit in the class or the school bus. It bothered me when I got picked last for group works. Apparently, these small things were the best fuel for the “voice” (my depression), it became stronger and louder each day. By the end of that year, in December, I tried to take my life for the first time.
“ He follows my every step, every movement, every breath that I take. He drains my energy even though the only thing I did that day was sleep. He always tries to get the best of me. ”
You guessed it, life went on, my family decided to move back to my home country (I’ve lived abroad for 4 years by then) and things went downhill from there. Having to deal with new school and try to make conversation with strangers are hard enough without having the voice dictating your every move. That’s when I decided to stop talking altogether. Keep my mouth shut and no one will bother me. I was the “new emo kid” who self harmed and was mute. What a perfect opportunity for bullying right? I would hear people talking and laughing about me literally two or three feet behind my back every day and it pushed me even deeper down the eternal hole I was in. I knew there was something wrong with me but my parents didn’t want to listen, they think I just missed my old school and had a hard time fitting in so they decided to take away my phone when the only person who kept me alive was my online friend. I kept letting the thoughts to control my life and began to feel comfortable with it.
“ I started to skip school a lot just to be able to be by myself, laying down in my dark room, barely lit by sunlight that went through the slit on my curtain.”
However, there’s one experience which finally made me realize that these thoughts weren’t doing me any good. Not only that this changed my life but also my perspective to this atrocious world. It was before Summer 2014, when I was in Year 9, “The Thoughts” was at his peak. I started to skip school a lot just to be able to be by myself, laying down in my dark room, barely lit by sunlight that went through the slit on my curtain. This obviously caused me to have a number of overdue homework and cost me my grades and friendships. The school didn’t stay still and waited for the phase to finish, instead they rang my parents and arranged a meeting with the headmaster. As I expected, it didn’t go smoothly, instead it went everywhere, like a boat during a malicious storm, in the middle of raging ocean’s waves. The school decided to take extreme pre-cautious and threaten to dismiss me if I don’t change my attitude. This definitely pushed me down even more and fortunately, gave me more time to rethink and re-evaluate my life.
“I started to skip school a lot just to be able to be by myself, laying down in my dark room, barely lit by sunlight that went through the slit on my curtain. ”
From that moment onward, I realized that I have the potential to be a better person, to be someone who can contributes and have a part in our flawed society. I realized that by changing my hateful attitude toward the world, I could make our imperfect world a little more perfect. I realized that if I work on myself, I can soon find the beauty in everyone, every experience, everything. Since then, I’ve decided to get help, get rid of the thoughts, become a better version of me. I’ve accomplished a lot of different things such as bringing my team a 1st place in football tournament, getting first place in a monologue competition, and entering a public university at the age of 16. I guess what I learnt from my life is that when life pulls you back far enough, soon you’ll be able to catapult yourself further, into the successful unknown future.
“From that moment onward, I realized that I have the potential to be a better person, to be someone who can contributes and have a part in our flawed society. I realized that by changing my hateful attitude toward the world, I could make our imperfect world a little more perfect.”
When I entered University, my only dream was to be able to be my authentic self and just express myself the way I feel on the inside so I decided to join a musical. Theatre has been a passion of mine since I was little that when I was around 13, I knew what I wanted to do with my life but of course a lot happened between then and now and my anxiety stopped me from doing any kind of performances in high school. Even with this much determination, convincing myself to go to the audition was exhausting. A lot of over thinking with the thoughts reminding me everything that happened in the past few years. In the end I went to the audition with no preparation but to be myself and show what I've got and they ACCEPTED ME. People there are just very nice and give me advice and encourage me to get better each time.
Since then I've had the opportunity to be part of two productions and got first place in a monologue competition. Not only that, This project really take me away from the “Thoughts” and gives me hope to look forward to the future. It has helped with my anxiety and I’m better at working on my confidence and bettering myself as a person.