Laura S.
Neha Kinariwalla
I have PTSD from a childhood trauma that I have never really dealt with. As a result, I experience severe flashback, depression, and anxiety. In addition, I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was about 20 years old. But even before the diagnosis, when I was a teenager, my conditions affected me deeply.
I moved to New Hampshire about three years ago and things did not go well. My husband and I had moved up here for a job opportunity that my husband was offered. However, for numerous reasons, the job ended up falling through. We had little-to-no money and were incredibly stressed. My husband was spending his days searching for a job while I was just trying to keep it together. We were in a very small town where we knew no one and, as a result, were isolated. Our families lived out of state and out of the country.
I needed a release.
We used the little money we had and went to Walmart where I bought the cheapest canvases and paint we could find. My husband sacrificed so much to get me supplies... he knew I needed it.
“Painting has helped me tremendously. Whatever I am feeling: depression, happiness, sadness, anxiety, chaos... I get it all out in my studio. It is my sanctuary.”
Then, I just went for it. I remember, in the early days, I was extremely worried about wasting any paint. I was very hard on myself in those first few months. That first revelation to paint and allow all that stress and worry to be released is something I will never forget. It felt like a weight had been lifted off me.
Painting has helped me tremendously. Whatever I am feeling: depression, happiness, sadness, anxiety and chaos… I get it all out in my studio. It is my sanctuary.
"My birds are my favorite. I have a swallow on each of my forearms"
Sometimes I feel numb and I need to feel something. That's where the tattoos come in. They aren't painful for me. They help me feel normal. Odd? I know. But the pain helps make things bearable.
My birds are my favorite. I have a swallow on each of my forearms. I remember reading a story in a magazine about a young woman who experienced a trauma similar to mine; she had a pair of birds on her arms. It really spoke to me. So, after much thought and consideration, I got a swallow on each arm. They stand for my past and my future respectively. They remind me to stay in the present, which is sometimes difficult for me. One of the birds also covers scars I have from cutting.
My advice to others is to keep going and find something that gives you relief from your demons. Do not self harm... I know it seems like the only way out at times but it's not!
Finally, know that you are not alone! You don't have to suffer in silence. People are here for you. There is always help. I don't regret being honest and open. It's the fear and threat of others knowing that keeps too many people silent and perpetuates the stigma. I must speak out. I want people to know staying silent doesn't help. We must speak out. We must put a voice to mental illness.