Taylor L.

From shattering mirrored doors out of rage, to crying myself to sleep, mental illness controlled my life for many years. Fighting against my illness was a long, painful journey, but it has grown me to be a stronger person and has given me the ability to relate to so many people suffering with similar struggles.

My personal coping mechanism was my music and my relationship with God. I poured my heart on to paper in a way that expressed feelings I couldn’t explain face to face in words. Sometimes I actually would take my guitar to my therapist’s office and play my songs instead of only talking, because I found it was much easier for me to do this. I would personally deal with the emotions in the words of my song in private so I only had to channel my passion and love of music in public, to have the rest come to life. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was writing. Most of my songs would take me all but 10 minutes to write, and I believe that is because God was using words to speak to me, it wasn’t just my own. For example, I have one song that says:

“I can see you break, I won’t let you fall. Your back from my arms ‘cause you can’t see me at all. I can hold you close. That’s where I want you to be. By my side, here with me. With me”

Now, in the state that I was in, this song would make absolutely no sense coming from my perspective. I believe God used that song to write to me. I believe that God was present through all my ups and downs, and that’s eventually who I clung to when there was nothing left standing.

My recovery was not easy. It took many baby steps. From making a schedule for each day to spending my time outside, creating art, I learned what worked for me. I found my passions, my weaknesses, and my strengths. I found that if I didn’t make a schedule for myself I would spend the whole day in bed. If I didn’t force myself to take a walk outside I would never leave my four bedroom walls. If I didn’t eat well, I would get worse. I learned my body and what I mentally needed to do to physically keep up. Sometimes I would fail, but the times I did what I knew helped, really pushed me forward. Eventually with these baby steps I started gaining my confidence. I started going to college age Bible studies and singing in the church worship band. I started making friends and started finding out who I was. I was so controlled by bipolar disorder for so long that I had lost all sense of my identity. Was I outgoing or was I manic? Was I quiet or was I outspoken? I had to ask myself a lot of questions like that because honestly, my personality was masked by my illness for so long. It was frustrating to say the least, but I found my worth in God and I found who he created me to be, which is a beautiful thing.

While I was in the hospital I seldom heard success stories. People were relapsing left and right and the hospital became their safe place. I quickly refused to mold to the hospital stereotype and made the decision to do whatever it would take to be successful. Even if that meant getting a job when all I wanted to do was hide under the covers of my comforter. Even if that meant spending time with friends when I felt so insecure about myself. I pushed myself and I am so glad I did because I found myself through all of this. After several years I decided to travel the world doing missionary work and sharing the gospel. It is what changed my life and I wanted to give back and help change other people’s lives for the better. It was a culture shock on many levels that I wasn’t always ready for. I lived in a house with like 100 people. I was dropped off at the mall to evangelize to complete strangers. I was given (often on short notice) the chance to speak to hundreds of people at church services. I stood in front of a class of high school students and taught them how to speak English. I told my story in tin hut villages, prisons, schools, churches and even on street corners. I found my voice and I realized I had the potential to change the world if I allowed myself to. I struggled a lot socially and with being emotionally stable. A lot of my teammates heard my story but didn’t quite know how to deal with my ups and downs (because I still had them). It wasn’t until after I flew home and spent time in the states did I realize the struggles I had, but I was able to focus on those things because I was now in a more comfortable place. I got a job right after I moved back, which ended up being really influential to me. I got connected closely with a church and made lots of friends. I started putting together the pieces of me that were missing. Now, I am going back to school, living on my own, working, and starting my youtube channel to raise awareness for mental health. I want to speak out for those who are too afraid to and share my story to show that being diagnosed with an illness isn’t the end. It is only the beginning and the story you craft from your experience is powerful.