Alexandra

Alexandra  chose not to submit a headshot. We respect the rights of patients to preserve their privacy.

When people ask me about my story, I don't always know what to tell them. My story is being written every day, and sometimes I don't even know how I got to where I am. I can't remember the first time my mental illnesses emerged. I can't pinpoint when I first started feeling like I wasn't good enough, like I didn't matter. I am slowly realizing that mental illness has been a part of my life for a long time, even if I didn't recognize that that's what it was. In my second year of university, I was more formally assessed, and I learned that I live with generalized anxiety and panic disorders. I also have a phenomenal friend, who recognized my eating disorder for what it was before I did. In the past couple of months, I have begun my journey to recovery from my eating disorder. I have struggled on and off with my eating disorder since I was 15, although I have always had body image issues since I can remember. I remember being a little girl, and being so happy about something, then I would find out that someone else wasn't having a good time, and I would feel a knot in my stomach, like it was my fault. I remember feeling so overwhelmed meeting new people, and thinking that I had to hide those feelings. I remember being at the airport when I was 12, and figuring out that I could make myself sick. I remember hating how uncomfortable that made me, but loving the idea that I could control my body so completely. I used to think that I wasn't "sick enough" to have an eating disorder because I was never an inpatient. That I couldn't have panic disorder because I've never been hospitalized. But everyone is different, and that's more than ok. I am finally learning that I don't have to fit into a certain box to have mental illness. That self-stigma was not getting me anywhere, and was completely toxic.

“ I am finally learning that I don’t have to fit into a certain box to have mental illness. ”

I wish that I could tell my past self that it gets better, and that I am worthy of support and love. I wish I could tell her that, yes, someone out there is thinner than her, but that she should seek support anyway. I wish I could tell her that it's ok for her to let people in, and trust herself. At my lowest, my self-image was, and still is, so distorted that people didn't understand that when I said things about myself, it wasn't about them at all. I couldn't see my own beauty, though I could see theirs. I used to be hesitant to get better, because I didn't know what life would be like without my security blanket. But now it makes me smile to think of where I will be in a few months, or a year. Now, more than ever, I know that recovery is a process and I that this is just the beginning. I've seen a glimpse of happiness, and I'm not going to let that go ever again. I've gained weight over the past year, sure. But I've gained happiness. I still struggle every day, but I've come so far. And it's so exciting to learn new things about myself and discover all that my body is capable of doing. I used to only hate it. Some days, sure, I still do. But now it's so amazing to discover all the little things I love about it. The strength I have gained in my arms that will now hold me up into crow pose, my legs that might be larger but are so much stronger and can easily hold up my body through what it needs. The mental endurance that I have gained; I am now learning to talk myself down from panic attacks, I am learning how to challenge those feelings. And, honestly, the fact that my body has been through so many panic attacks is amazing to me. I have also realized, with support from many friends, that fat is not a bad thing. It keeps my body safe and warm. So, I guess my mental health story is a little blurry, and a little all-over-the-place. But so is life! This story might be confusing, but it's mine. I still struggle, but I am so proud of how far I have come.

“Talking, and becoming as passionate as I am about ending the stigma surrounding mental health, has allowed me to truly take ownership of my story, and believe that my label does not define me.”

Many things have helped me through this experience, depending on the day. Because that's the thing about recovery - it's always changing and sometimes your forms of treatment and therapy will have to change with it. Throughout this entire process, ongoing support from my close friends has changed my whole world. People I wasn't close with before, who have helped me through this, are now my best friends. One friend encouraged me to speak to a psychologist, who helped me realize that I was, in fact, struggling. And that this was ok. I am also fortunate enough to have the most incredible boss, who I am lucky to call a friend. She has always been there for me since my diagnosis, and continues to be whenever I need her. CBT has helped me, medication has helped me, and creative arts therapies have helped me. Drama, music, and art saved me when I didn't know how else to express myself, and I didn't have words for what I was feeling.

More than anything else, though, sharing my story, even when I wasn't entirely ready to, has helped me indescribably. It has helped me become more confident, and more trusting of myself. It has helped me realize how much I have survived, how much I have struggled, and how strong I truly am. Talking, and becoming as passionate as I am about ending the stigma surrounding mental health, has allowed me to truly take ownership of my story, and believe that my label does not define me.

The advice I have for others going through similar struggles is trust yourself. Just because someone doesn't get it, or doesn't share your opinion, doesn't mean you're wrong. Please don't give up, and please don't discount your struggles, because at the end of the day, you are the one who is writing your story. You are resilient. Your body is designed to keep you alive. There is no shame in seeking support if you need it. 1/5 Canadians have mental illness, but 5/5 have mental health. Even if you don't have a professional diagnosis, that doesn't mean that your struggles are invalid! YOU MATTER. You always have, and you always will. I believe in you.

It might take some time to find a treatment that works for you. The first psychologist I went to, I just didn't "click" with. Yes, this is a different relationship than you would have with a friend, partner, sister, etc. But it is still a relationship, and it's important that you feel comfortable with the person who is going to be such an integral part of your recovery. I have been to 3 psychologists, 4 doctors, 3 pharmacists, I've done CBT, mindfulness training, online modules, e-counselling, and so much more. It takes time to find what works for you. But one day you will find it, and you will be so grateful that you didn't give up on yourself. For every person who doesn't "get it", there will be people who do. Keep fighting, because you are a little miracle. I am proud of you.