Ashley J.
Samia Shahnawaz
I have experienced Generalized Anxiety Disorder ever since I was a child. I don't remember if I knew I was different from other kids and I'm sure I thought everyone was the same way. My family didn't notice there was anything different with me either, although they would question my emotional wellness because I was always so sensitive and my mother always said my soul was too old and wise for me to handle. At seven years old I had my first anxiety attack and that's when I started to wonder if I was a broken, sick child. The emergency room doctor told my parents I was a hypochondriac and to this day his words still haunt my mind. This made me discredit my emotions and anxiety attacks for years. Growing up was perhaps one of the hardest hurdles I had to face in my 25 years of being alive; questioning myself, hating myself and being so angry that I was not normal. Thankfully, as the years progressed, my fighting spirit kept me going and I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 18.
“Growing up was perhaps one of the hardest hurdles I had to face in my 25 years of being alive; questioning myself, hating myself and being so angry that I was not normal. ”
Being fully honest and open about my anxiety to family, friends and strangers alike has helped me so much because it gave me my voice back. I was so afraid to admit that I was mentally ill because of what I saw in movies and TV shows about the portrayal of mental illness. What I saw depicted was frightening scenes of people in straight jackets who were drugged up so badly there were no souls left within them. I can't lie and say it was easy to speak to my family and friends but I felt like they already knew something was different about me. When I explained to them what Generalized Anxiety was, it all made sense and they were there to give me the love, strength and support I needed. The person that made me fight for my voice, doesn't even know they are the reason why I speak up. My little brother saw me have an attack one time when I was babysitting him and he screamed because he was scared of me and the fear in his little voice made me realize I needed to control this. Because of his existence, I wanted to turn my weakness into a strength. And with the help of a year of therapy and medication, that I have stopped taking completely, I am no longer stuck in my own mind, alone and afraid. I have a voice, a story, a purpose to help those who are still unable to break free from the stigma.
“ I can’t lie and say it was easy to speak to my family and friends but I felt like they already knew something was different about me. ”
My advice is speak up, even if your voice shakes or it's just a whisper. Don't suffer alone and tell someone; write about it, photograph it, just do something so you are not alone.
“I am no longer stuck in my own mind, alone and afraid. I have a voice, a story, a purpose to help those who are still unable to break free from the stigma.”
Photography and fashion has saved me from my mental illness. Being able to express myself creatively has given me such strength and hope to keep moving forward. I also love to dance and sing even though I sing badly, haha!